Thursday, July 25, 2013


I'm one of those people that thinks a lot, I think. I wonder whether people around me have minds racing just the same, and whether this inner-pace and race of thoughts and observations is normal; going on in each of us. Sometimes it feels like there's traffic within my head. I'm not meaning to sound poetic, nor do I propose that I have this pulsating brain that is constantly growing and calculating my surroundings, that's not the picture I'm trying to draw. But rather I feel rarely and subtly aware right now that my mind may be what consumes me most. It is full of what I'm noticing about my life, my work, my works, my relationships. I'll mull over how the majority of my time is being spent and stretch to learn how better I can use my time. I'll pressurise myself with expectations to change, to grow, to perfect, to be less of the me I am and more of the me I feel like I want to be. The worst thing of all is that I cover and permit this inward-looking tendency because I feel it's my duty to make sure I'm doing okay and that I'm moving forward in my faith. Sometimes, like now, I'll sit and my churning thoughts become churning prayers which are muddled and long, and I tie myself in a knot. I've confused myself and lost my perspective and forgotten whether I feel like I'm doing okay with God or not; whether I should be smiling or crying. But then, this triumphant realisation rises in me: You're so God... You're so above me; You're so sovereign. It's so simple; it's so beautiful. I'm called to look to Him and not to myself, we all are. In my day-to-day life I'm noticing the difference between when I do and when I don't create the room to be still and dwell on God's godliness. Looking to Him isn't my default, it needs practice as I convince my mind to stop looking to myself. Yet, slowly but surely, with God's aid and lure, a change in habit is being made.